How to help a child with low self-esteem

When a child has low self-esteem, many parents search endlessly for ways to make them feel better about themselves. They compliment their child for minor accomplishments or lower the standards to make them feel better, and nothing changes. They want to fix the problem now, when in reality, they should be coaching their child on how they can overcome their issues on their own. In Part II of our series on Self-esteem and Kids, James Lehman, MSW explains the three key roles you can play to help your child develop genuine self-esteem.

The Teaching Role

 The Teaching Role is just what it sounds like—you actually teach your child how to solve problems. So when you see that your child isn’t feeling good about himself, one of the things you want to do immediately is help him figure out what’s causing that lack of self-worth.

The Coaching Role

 The second step is to coach your child with the skills they already have, just like the coach of a sport would do. For example, if your child is going through a difficult time or learning a new task that’s proving to be a challenge for them, try coaching them by saying things like, “You’ve solved this kind of problem before. You’ll solve it again.”

The Limit-Setting Role

The limits for your child should be very clear, even when they’re having self-esteem issues. So you can say, “I’m sorry if you’re sad or frustrated, or don’t feel good about yourself right now, but we’re not going to lose sight of the fact that you have to do your homework. That’s your job.” Or, “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, but you can’t take out your anger and frustration on your sister.” Give your child appropriate consequences, but work with him to learn how to solve the problem that’s blocking him.