How to deal with an insecure child

Most children experience insecurity at some point or other, but a chronically insecure child is hard for parents to handle. You might feel guilty or sad that your child is suffering emotionally. Finding your child a therapist trained to deal with insecurity can really help, but there are things that you can do with your child to help stem insecure feelings and make her more comfortable.

Monitor Your Emotions
Many times, your actions and example rub off on your child, so if talking to strangers or going to the doctor makes you insecure, chances are your child will pick up on that and follow suit. Keep your own insecurity at bay when your child comes to you about a fight with a friend or a failing grade, suggests social worker Janet Lehman on the Empowering Parents website. Be available for your child, but make sure you keep your own feelings out of the equation so they don't influence how he reacts to a situation or person in his life.

Create Family Traditions
You probably can't banish insecurity from your child's life altogether, but knowing she can count on her family gives her a sense of security that can carry her through other situations she encounters. Family traditions are a valuable way to help children feel as though they belong and have a rightful place in the world, notes Glynnis Whitwer, author of "When Your Child is Hurting." Family game night, a trip to the pizza place after sports games or ice cream on report card day are all options. Everyday traditions such as naming one positive thing that happened or taking a walk after dinner are important too.

Active Listening
As a parent, it can be overwhelmingly difficult not to jump in and fix every problem your child is having. When it comes to insecurity, whether it stems from peers, performance in the classroom or making the basketball team, listening to your child talk about his feelings can help him cope. Lehman suggests asking your child what you can do to help. Listen carefully to what your child tells you without minimizing his feelings or trying to take over and solve the problem, she adds. Respond with empathy and understanding so your child knows you know what he's going through and are available when he needs you.

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Time to be nice! - Paula Manoli-Gray

It's been quite a few years now that I have noticed that people in general are becoming more hostile and defensive, so I wonder if it's time to change the broken record of how we present ourselves to tourists and stop claiming that Cypriots are warm and welcoming and will all invite you into their homes for coffee!

I am guilty of it too. As a writer, I have penned many an advert, brochure or article regurgitating this character of open arms, and whilst this may still be the case in mountainous villages, in the towns that friendliness has long packed its bags.

This isn't a 'Cypriot thing' – I remember going back to England after a long absence, memories of the wonderful customer service in shops still in my mind, only to find a rude and unhelpful workforce in most places, with some of the youth speaking a version of the English language that I could barely decipher. I came back vowing never to compare British shop staff with Cypriot again as neither was better than the other! It seems this is a global pandemic of misery, dissatisfaction and negativity.

So, who or what do we blame for this inwardness? Is it the rise of social media that has made us forget how to interact with others with common courtesy, and made everyone so self-absorbed that we don't care, or are not interested if its not about us? Is it the belief that we can't be happy unless we accrue as much as we can, so if we have anything less we are left with a gaping hole of dissatisfaction that our lives are not fabulous enough? Or in the case of Cyprus, is it the 'golden era' that prevailed when Cypriots started having access to designer labels and trendy cafes, thus giving them the illusion of grandeur and a rise in snobby showiness (and we all know how that turned out…) Maybe it is the influx of different nationalities that have slowly diluted the traditions and the small 'we are a family' island feel we once had? One thing we can't blame it on is the global crisis because most people were miserable long before this all began.

Recently I went to deliver an envelope to a client.  Upon entering the building, the faulty door slipped out of my hand with a loud bang. I popped the envelope under the door and as I exited the building the same thing happened again. From a window above, an angry female venomously shouted in Greek 'Excuse me, do you want me to wrap the door up so you can take it with you?' I apologised and explained that the door was faulty and had slipped (a fact she knew), to which she replied sarcastically 'twice?' It was then I recognised her and called her name 'XX, is that you?' At that point her whole demeanour changed and she said 'Oh Paula, I didn't realise it was you, why didn't you knock on the door.' There was no apology, no acknowledgement of the disgusting way she spoke to me. Once she realised she knew me, she was no longer hostile, but why should she be hostile to anyone? Why is there such suspicion and contempt for everyone? What are we all so afraid of?

Yes, everyone is currently rallying round to help those in need and there is indeed a real sense of community and spirit as a result of the crisis, but can we all – wherever we live, whoever we are – please start being nice to one another again?

First appeared in The Cyprus Weekly 22/03/14

How to raise your child with love

1). Learn to listen to your children. Influencing their lives is one of the greatest things you can do. It is easy to tune out our children, and a missed opportunity for meaningful guidance. If you never listen to your children and spend all of your time barking orders at them, they won't feel respected or cared for.

2). Treat your child with respect. Don't ever forget that your child is a living, breathing human being who has needs and wants just like the rest of us. If your child is a picky eater, don't nag him constantly at the dinner table; if he's slow to potty train, don't embarrass him by talking about it in public; if you promised your child you'd take him to the movies if he was good, don't take back your promise because you're too tired.

3). Know that you can never love your child too much. It's a myth that loving your child "too much," praising your child "too much," or showering your child with "too much" affection can make your child spoiled rotten. Giving your child love, affection, and attention will positively encourage your child to develop as a human being. Giving your child toys instead of love, or not reprimanding your child for bad behavior is what will lead you to spoil your child.

4). Be involved in your child's daily life. It will take effort and strength to be there for your child every day, but if you want to encourage your child to develop his own interests and character, you have to create a strong support system for him. This doesn't mean you have to follow your child around every second of the day, but it does mean that you have to be there for all of the little moments, from his first soccer game to family time at the beach.