"Your son switched off the fridge again!" my dad remarked when he came round this morning. I smile in sympathy choosing not to say anything. You see any house my son spends enough time in - mine, my parents, my in laws - he will find some little thing to do, something to rearrange in a way that he sees fit or correct. And it is never the same in each house. In mine he would never dare to turn off the fridge, firstly because he can't really reach it, and second because he would incur the wrath of MUM!
Like most ASD children my son has certain routines that he can't live with out. These are the things that if he does not do, they will result in a complete meltdown.
For example, he has to have a shower every morning (not a bad one to have I suppose, at least he is clean) even if we are going to the beach that day. I remember one morning we overslept and we dared to refuse him a shower. Not only did he have a complete meltdown, which made us even later for school, but his meltdown turned into a day long tantrum where he refused to work, concentrate or cooperate at all...with ANYONE (a nightmare for all his teachers and for us!). Let me just diverge slightly to explain to those who may not know the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. Anyone who has ever raised a toddler knows what a tantrum is. It is an emotional outburst of rage or frustration. It usually because you have either said no to something they want, or in my younger son's case because you put crackers instead of cereal in his lunchbox/he wants to play with his cousin and she isn't home or he doesn't want to leave yiayia's house/Hobos etc.. During a tantrum a child may have some control over his behaviour, especially if they are older. My second son even stops in the middle of a tantrum to make sure I am looking at him. If I say one word to him, he picks up where he left off, refusing to listen if it is not the answer he wants.
For example, he has to have a shower every morning (not a bad one to have I suppose, at least he is clean) even if we are going to the beach that day. I remember one morning we overslept and we dared to refuse him a shower. Not only did he have a complete meltdown, which made us even later for school, but his meltdown turned into a day long tantrum where he refused to work, concentrate or cooperate at all...with ANYONE (a nightmare for all his teachers and for us!). Let me just diverge slightly to explain to those who may not know the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. Anyone who has ever raised a toddler knows what a tantrum is. It is an emotional outburst of rage or frustration. It usually because you have either said no to something they want, or in my younger son's case because you put crackers instead of cereal in his lunchbox/he wants to play with his cousin and she isn't home or he doesn't want to leave yiayia's house/Hobos etc.. During a tantrum a child may have some control over his behaviour, especially if they are older. My second son even stops in the middle of a tantrum to make sure I am looking at him. If I say one word to him, he picks up where he left off, refusing to listen if it is not the answer he wants.
On the other hand, a meltdown for me is a lot more traumatic. It is when my poor son's brain is so overwhelmed with stress chemicals, that it has reached the panic, flight or fight stress reaction. The stress builds up to the point that his brain overwhelms and loses the ability to cope. In my son's case I recognise the panic in his eyes and he has:
no control over his behaviour; cannot engage with anyone; feels unsafe/afraid and no amount of distraction will help. The only thing I can do is hold him tightly as if he is unravelling and I am keeping him together (no talking, I remove all demands, reduce all stimulation so his brain can regroup and reorganise). He sometimes clings to me so tightly that I have bruises, all the time crying out as if he is being mentally tortured. And most of the time I cry along with him, holding him, feeling helpless, weak and useless as I am not able to take away his pain fast enough! ...Then I wait for his body to relax a bit (this can take anything from half an hour to 2 ours) and I suggest a shower. He will then sit in the shower, water cascading over him, for 20 minutes to half an hour until he is ready to come out. I have learnt over time that this is what he needs, although I know other ASD children that don't like to be touched during a meltdown, I am thankful that my little boy allows me to help him through.
When he was younger meltdowns once or twice a week were not uncommon but as he has grown up and his speech has improved they have lessened over time (Thank God!). I remember the first Christmas I hosted at my house, my dad flew over Christmas day to surprise the kids, and he had a lot of gifts - he got too over excited and I knew a meltdown was imminent... And sure enough there I was sitting on the kitchen floor (for over an hour), holding my poor ASD son who was clinging to me for dear life utterly lost (for him I have always imagined it to be like falling down a black void where it is dark and you don't know how to stop or get back to the light - I don't know why but this is the image that always comes to me). I have many of these little stories of meltdowns but I have been lucky that with the exception of 1 time all his meltdowns have been at home. The only public meltdown he ever had was just before his swimming lesson and it was the worst experience ever. It wasn't bad enough that (I'm going to say it!) mothers were looking at me probably thinking that I can't control my child, but even the mothers I knew smiled that pity smile at me and then proceeded to make a quick exit outside. Not one person asked me if I needed help or if I was alright! Not one mother spoke to me, even after he calmed down, to offer a mother-to-mother support! I had never felt so alone in my life.
So all mothers out there, if you see a mother - ANY mother- having to cope with a tantrum or meltdown, please offer a helping hand or words of support because even if we say we are ok, your words will be greatly appreciated.
